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For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.